chan jing vin

i remember how one time, a friend of mine said to me "hahaha your brother is so much better looking than you!"

my instant response was "so what? i love my brother, and you can fuck off."

i have heard this many times from people, how my brother is better looking than me and all. several things that is also true is that he is better in sports than me, he is better in academics than me, he is in fact a better son than me as well. he is, in every way, better than me!

some might wonder why did i just write that. the truth is that i am damn proud of my brother because of that. ever since young i have had more 'talent' i would say. i can play the piano better simply because of raw talent, i can ace math tests because i can see the relationships between numbers and all etc.

but then raw talent is just 1% of success. 99% is hard work.

today, things have turned around. i still am better in piano, but many has changed. i used to remember him as this very active, cute little brother that looks up to his older brother, me. but now, it is i that look up to him.

studying alone in singapore, he has shown maturity way above my level. when i look at him nowadays, i no longer see my younger brother, i see a young adult with characteristics that i want to work towards.

am i jealous of how he is better than me? honestly, yes. but more honestly, i love him so much that i am more proud than jealous. if there was one person i can see myself dying for, it is him. i won't die for my parents because i know that they will want me to have my life because they gave me this precious gift. dying for my brother is sacrificing for a better person who will lead a better life =)

i feel very emotional now because as i am writing this, my brother is growing up. the brother i used to play with so much is now a grown up. my duties as the elder brother is starting to clear up, and i am beginning to wonder what other purpose does my life have.

lately i am very lost. i don't know what i am doing, nor what i am moving towards. all i know is, each day passes by and seems to be wasted. and just like this, i have lived 19 years of life.

but as i write, i realize that eventhough i do not know what i am to myself, i know that i am an elder brother to him. and as long as what i do will make his life better, i will do it because my life's meaning right now is my family.

i know it has been 8 days past your birthday, but if you are reading this, happy birthday chan jing vin, i love you.

your brother that looks up to you,

chan cal vin