But there are times when I will stare into my eyes. Just stare into those dark eyes. Many thoughts will breeze through my mind, but one that strikes me the most is how disappointed those eyes look.
My life has been filled with ups and downs. Each time I fall, I will come back up. And then I will fall again. There comes a point when I was so sick of falling down so hard, that I no longer bothered to get back up.
Yesterday I was struck so hard, that I just broke down. A friend of mine told me that I have this pattern of losing the fire within me, that I would start brightly but might not even finish. He told me that he was afraid that in the future, the same would happen to me for my studies, my job, my marriage, my life.
I was shocked instantly. What he said, I can imagine happening. I began to think about how I am living my life now, and the truth is that my fire is dying.
At the start of university I was so pumped up about proving my worth; at the start of SCP I was so excited about establishing my skills; at the start of camp I was so excited to showcase my skills as a Program Director. As of now I have skipped so many classes that I am behind in all my studies; I begun to feel that SCP was becoming a burden about 4 weeks back, and each class since then I no longer felt the passion that I had to make the classes great; after the second day of camp I was disappointed with the progress of many things that I began to just complain but no longer taking action.
I held myself together until I was alone with him before I cried. I could not believe how I have drifted apart. It got so bad that I would stay up so late with no purpose until 8am before I go to sleep till around 6pm. I no longer wanted to sleep and wake up because I felt that there was no purpose for me to do so.
But I do have purposes. I cried for a reason. I was upset, disappointed. How could someone with my potential just give up like this? I know that I can be great and to share so many things to the world.
I was hoping for a solution from my friend, but he said that he can't show me what to do, but that all I can do is to remember how I felt when I reflect back. All I can do is to know that there is a point of time when enough is enough.
Enough is enough.
I want to wake up with a purpose, a direction, a goal. Here is one that I will start to work for. My goal is to score High Distinction for my Business Law, Business Statistics and Management exams which are on the 16th, 21st and 23rd of this month.
I can tell you that it is very challenging. I have 3 months worth of work to revise, and more than 1 month's work I have not even seen before because of me skipping classes and lectures.
I can also tell you that if there is a time to change, this is it. All I ask for myself is to do my best and fight for what I know I am capable of.
Another thing that struck me is that my friend told me that he will still look at me as the same person with the same trust upon my abilities even after yesterday. But that one day, if I continue to go down and not back up, even he will have to leave me. I will not let that happen honestly because I don't want to lose him, but more because I know that I have what it takes to accomplish anything.
As I end this, I begin to wonder when I wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror, who will I look at? All I know is that I will see the eye of the tiger.
1 comments:
Hello hello!
Was facebook-ing, read your story - interestingly worded but rather confusing for me :P
Then, I went to your profile and now your blog.
Everyone has, is and will feel the way you do but the thing is, it is those who get out of it that survives this harsh, unforgiving world. It's called resilience.
My suggestion is, start with something small and one of which the results you can see in a very short period - that way, it would reinforce the thought that you are capable of committing and completing something.
Or
List down all the stuff that you've completed that will serve as proof to yourself that you have done and completed something satisfactorily and that you can always repeat that success :)
Or
You can do both. But just don't put too many expectations and goals on yourself in such a short time, because a person has energy to do SO much at a time and when it is about motivating to change a behavior - a lot of energy is used.
So maybe baby steps eh? It worked for me and stopped me from biting my nails, reading, depression and sleeping early (still working on it) :)
Have a nice day!
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